He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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