I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
