You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize