I seem to have left my pride at pride
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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