i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
found the other keg... it's in the tree
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
