Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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