I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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