the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
