you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
