Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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