She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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