there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
