I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I feel like death gave me a hand job
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
