note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
