you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
