Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think I won the penis lottery.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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