I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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