Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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