Don't make out with my wife yet
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Randomize
