oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Randomize
