...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
