dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
