just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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