don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Is it penis luge time yet?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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