Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
