The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
