my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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