We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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