sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
