Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
