i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
