just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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