I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
tell me about the fingering
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