Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
