Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
she woke up with a sticky ear
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
