I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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