Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Someone signed my nipple.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
