I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
