New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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