i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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