Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
