Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize