So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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