Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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