How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
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