thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We left the knife in your bed.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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