My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
sex in a hospital.. check
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My breath smells like gin and sadness
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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