Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
