nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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