also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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