So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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