don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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