I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
