Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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