I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
