I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
