So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
