Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
