i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
