is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
