how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
he was CRYING into my vagina
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
